Healing Power of Love
by fabledfunster
Summary: 6 months on, Syed has been living rough on the streets. Tamwar and Christian work together to heal a broken man
1. Chapter 1 Rescued from the Brink

_I want to explore the healing power of love in all its forms:  
-the enduring and total love we know these two men have for each other  
-the love and respect of brothers  
-the love and faith in God/Allah or any other higher entity  
-and who knows, maybe even eventually the unconditional parental love so sorely missing from this story so far._

* * *

It was the second time he'd called the number and the second time it had been cut off .

Tamwar stood under a lamp in the otherwise dark alley with his brother's phone in his hand. "Come on Tambo, you have to do this, you have to speak to him". He slapped his thigh as if to give himself extra encouragement and then scrolled down to the only 'C' in Syed's contacts list- he'd not deleted the number. This time, he got an immediate response.

"Sy, please, you have to stop this... Please stop ringing me and..." "This isn't Syed, it's Tamwar" he interrupted quickly, in case Christian cut him off a third time. " Please, I need your help, I need to speak to you. I don't know who else to turn to..Please, I beg you".

Christian had been on the point of cutting the caller off but there was something in Tamwar's pleading tone, something which immediately made his heart miss a beat. He knew who this call would be about. 6 months on and still the thought of him made Christian weak at the knees.

"Ok, Tamwar, you have 2 minutes" He tried to sound irritated and forceful but in fact his stomach was churning, worried about what Tamwar was going to say to him.

"Thankyou Christian, It's about Syed, he needs help and you are the only person I can think of that he'll listen to."

"Tamwar, it's been 6 months, I've moved on" He hoped he sounded convincing.

"I know, and believe me, I wouldn't have got in touch but I have tried everything else and I know now that only you can help, you're the only one who can help him out of the mess he's in. Please, it's breaking my heart that I can't do any more for him. I can't bear the thought of losing him."

"Losing him" Those words were like stab wounds to Christian's heart. He could hear Tamwar desperately trying not to cry.

"Ok, I'll meet you. Where are you?"

"We're in a bedsit on Stacey Street, behind the Phoenix Theatre, off Charing Cross Road. Do you know it?"

"I sure do" he replied. Of course he knew it. Soho, Covent Garden, Old Compton Street, all his old stomping ground from the long gone carefree BS days as he called them, – before Syed. He knew that area like the back of his hand. " I can be there in an hour".

Precisely 56 minutes later, Christian was knocking on the door of the bedsit. He heard hurried footsteps and a second later he was face to face with Tamwar. He wasn't expecting to be enveloped in a grateful hug or to have those eyes, so reminiscent of his elder brother's, stare deeply into his. "Thankyou for coming, Christian, I really didn't know who else to turn to. Come on upstairs, but be quiet, he's sleeping at long last."

Christian took a sharp intake of breath. He was here – 6 months and 5 days since they had last seen each other. "Where is he? I want to see him". Tamwar opened a door into a dark and dingy room. There was one small single bed, one small bedside cabinet with a Quran lying open and a small bedside lamp with a bulb which gave off just enough light to be able to see. Oh and what a sight greeted him. There he was lying on the bed but he bore no resemblance to the Syed of old. Sy had never been any more than slender – they always made a joke about how they were little and large – but what was in front of him now was an emaciated bag of bones. And that wonderful, long luscious black hair which had caused Christian to gasp the first time he saw it, was a long dull, dirty pleated mass of knots. He put his hand to his mouth to stifle a cry and tears welled up in his eyes. Tamwar tapped him on the shoulder and pointed to the door. He walked out backwards, never once taking his eyes off that pathetic figure lying on the bed.

In the small kitchenette, Tamwar motioned Christian to the only seat in the room and turned to switch on the kettle.

"Tell me everything Tamwar – what has happened? I need to know"

"There isn't an awful lot to tell – well until about 5 weeks ago. After mum set fire to Syed's clothes, he couldn't go back there but he couldn't be on his own either so while dad stayed at home to deal with mum- she had a nervous breakdown by the way – was sectioned for a short time- I moved in to the flat with Syed to look after him. He was still weak from the suicide attempt and wouldn't go out. He told me he couldn't face everyone – but I think he really meant he couldn't face seeing you with someone else. He saw you, you know, as we were coming home from the hospital, with that guy. He cried all night "

Christian lowered his gaze as he thought about his behaviour then –he was not proud of himself. Alex had been a means to an end, a way of taking away the pain and hurt but it was a stupid, stupid idea. He knew Syed had seen him, he recognised Masood's car, and he deliberately kissed Alex in a fit of pique and spite.

"Anyway, 3 days later, I got up and went into the kitchen and found a note on the table. It said he had to get away, he needed to be on his own and he was sorry for all the hurt and damage he had caused. I was to tell mum and dad that he loved them and to give Kamil a daily cuddle for him. He said he'd keep in touch with me by phone.

And that's what happened. Every day for the first thee months, I'd get a text or a call from him. He'd ask how we were doing including asking if you were ok. He didn't miss asking that question for a single day. Of course, when you moved away, I couldn't give him any news and he stopped asking."

Christian felt the tears run down his face – he couldn't believe that in spite of it all, Sy wanted to know how he was.

" He always said he was doing fine, living in the West End, making enough money to get by but I could tell there was a false bravado to his cheery tone. Eventually though, the calls and texts became less regular. Sometimes 2 or 3 days would go by. I was fine as long as I heard from him. I would text every day regardless and told him I loved him. 5 weeks ago, the calls stopped altogether, no texts, no nothing – and I knew something wasn't right. Mum wasn't well enough to be burdened with this and dad was exhausted looking after her and doing 3 jobs to make ends meet. So it was down to me. I came down here to the West End to try to find him. I rented this place – it's not much but I wanted somewhere safe for him if he needed it. I wandered the streets looking for him – can you imagine me wandering around Soho and Old Compton Street all hours of the day and night? I was like a fish out of water"

He glanced at Christian and both momentarily smirked at the image. Christian saw that familiar Masood grin, the one that got him every time. So, so, so like his brother. " Yes, I can see that you might have looked out of place!"

"I showed photos around the place, went into some pretty seedy joints, sat in cafes, watching everyone go by in the hope of getting even a glimpse of him. But nothing, he seemed to have just disappeared. Then, last Friday night, as I had just about decided to give up the search, I was walking back here, along the alleyway behind the theatre when I came across this huddled figure, begging for loose change. It was so dark I could hardly see him but I decided he could have the last bit of change I had. I threw it into his tin and he looked up to thank me. It was him – Syed, my brother, my hero, lying in a gutter begging for pennies. I couldn't see him properly but I knew – I just knew. And he knew it was me too.

To cut a long story short, he tried to get up and run away but he was weak and no match for even geeky old me. Despite his protests and his thumps and slaps, I got him to come back here with me eventually. Oh Christian, if you could have seen him. You think he looks bad now? He was much much worse. I had to virtually carry him here. He was filthy, he has head lice, his clothes were smelly and he had a heavy beard. I got him cleaned up as best I could, and tried to get him to eat -a banana was as much as he could stomach- and put him to bed. I sat with him all night, he cried, he sighed, he said your name so many times while he tossed and turned. I guess I must have slept briefly because I was woken by the sound of the front door being closed. I glanced at the bed and he was gone. I ran out and caught up with him easily on the bottom rung of the stair and dragged him back here. He had tried to creep out without telling me. At least he has now agreed to stay here and has promised not to run off. I have locked the door and have the key so he can't get out. Isn't it awful that I have to do that to my own brother?

He hasn't said much to me except that he lost his job and had nowhere to live. He wouldn't tell me anything about the past 6 months. He asked about mum and dad and Kamil and he asked about you in a round about way by asking about Jane, – I knew where that was leading but I couldn't tell him anything about you. He looked crestfallen. He's mad at me for coming to look for him and for not going to Uni. He says I should have left him here to rot as it's all he's worth. I shouted at him that that wasn't true but he just hit me and told me to go away and leave him alone. I need to get help for him Christian, he's slowly wasting away. He won't eat. All he does is sleep, pray and cry. He won't listen to me and I don't know what else to do. I am scared that if I leave him or if he goes away, he'll get sicker than he already is and Allah alone knows what might happen to him."

Christian rose from the seat and walked over to Tamar. As he engulfed him in a hug, Tamar's tears erupted. Christian held him and let the tears flow – he thought this quiet, studious young man who had lived in his brother's shadow for so long but who had quietly and courageously supported him through all the hard times over the last nine months was being so very brave. For someone like him, Soho and all that entailed must have been so daunting but he put himself out there, ignored how awful it must have made him feel, because of his love for his brother. He was making the life of the person he probably loved most in the world his top priority regardless of the consequences for him. Christian felt ashamed.

That's exactly what he should be doing. He had never stopped loving him. Not since that fight in Masala Queen when he realised that this was the man who would make him whole. Despite everything, despite the hurt and despite trying to move on, Christian was reminded every single day, in so many ways, that life began with Syed and would never be complete without him. How stubborn had they both been.


	2. Chapter 2 Why Are You Here

_I want to explore the healing power of love in all its forms:  
-the enduring and total love we know these two men have for each other  
-the love and respect of brothers  
-the love and faith in God/Allah or any other higher entity  
-and who knows, maybe even eventually the unconditional parental love so sorely missing from this story so far._

Credit to ChryedCrazy for the Urdu saying and translation.

* * *

As Christian released Tamwar from the hug he felt an involuntarily shiver. There was no noise but he was aware of a presence. He remembered back to the days when he would know just by instinct that Syed was close by. He turned round and sure enough...

Christian shuddered. Syed had shuffled into the room, round shouldered and hunched. Only now could he see how painfully thin and unhealthy he really was. Despite Tamwar's efforts he still had a full beard growth which hid those glorious lips. His hair, matted in a sea of knots, was filthy and Christian could tell even from 3 feet away that it was lice ridden and infested. The single blanket from the bed was wrapped round him. They stared at each other in silence for what seemed like forever. Those big dark eyes, which had always glistened playfully for Christian, were dull and lifeless but just for an instant Christian saw a flash of something as if a light had gone on in Syed's head and had momentarily woken the memory.

Syed was first to speak. "Why are you here?" he whispered, deliberately avoiding the green eyes he knew so well.

"Hello Sy"

Syed shook his head. "Don't call me that. My name is Syed." Sy was Christian's pet name for him, the only person allowed to use it. Now even that was being denied him. "Why are you here?"

"I asked him to come, Syed. I got the number from your phone." Tamwar interrupted. "You need help and you won't listen to me. I needed someone who understood you and could get through to you. He's the only one who can."

"Tambo, I appreciate what you've done for me and I am grateful for having somewhere to stay for a few days, really I am, but I'm fine. I don't need anyone's help. I don't deserve it. Can you not understand? I just want you to go away, get on with your own life and let me be."

"You're my brother, Syed. I love you. I cannot and will not stand by and see you like this. That's just it – how can I get on with my own life when the person who means most to me in the world is sick? "

"Mum and dad need you."

Tamwar moved to stand directly in front of his brother. "No they don't. Just now what they need is each other – exclusively. Me being there is an annoyance. They need to get to know each other again. Jane is managing the business and it's doing well, Syed. You are the only person who matters to me at the moment and the thought of you like this makes my heart break."

All this time Christian stood transfixed, eyes fixed on his former lover, so many thoughts running through his mind. He fought to resist the urge to walk over, scoop him up and take him away from all this. He fought back the tears when he saw how utterly dejected and helpless Syed looked. He thought of his role in bringing Syed to this and cursed himself. After what seemed like an eternity, he found his voice.

"Syed, Tamwar is right. You are ill, you need people to take care of you. He can't can't do this by himself. I want to help – so much of this is down to me and I'm ashamed of myself for my part in it. Let me help. No strings, no recriminations, no guarantees, just a friend helping another friend who's down on his luck. "

Syed didn't look up, just shook his head and said quietly "You have nothing to be ashamed of. The fault is mine -all of it. Can't either of you get the message, I don't want your help. I don't deserve it. You are better off without me. Why won't you just leave me alone. Mum was right, it'd be better off for everyone if I was dead."

Christian swore in exasperation. He approached Syed with anger in his eyes, pointed his index finger in his face and hissed "Don't you dare say that. Don't you ever dare say that again. And don't presume to know what would be better for me. I don't regret what we had – not for a single moment do I regret it. I know I regret how it ended and that will live with me always but never think that I regret having known and loved you."

He took a step back, afraid that he would do something he shouldn't. Regaining his composure, he continued. " Syed, if you want to be on your own then so be it but not like this. I am not leaving here till I know you are well so you better just accept it. Let us help you get back on your feet and then, if you still feel the same, we'll leave you be. But please, please don't push us away just now. "

Syed at last looked up. He saw the anxiety and love in his brother's eyes and held his hand out to him. Then, momentarily, he turned his gaze to the other man. Throughout it all, despite everything, no matter how he tried to suppress it, his love for Christian had never wavered and never would. But what had Christian said? Just a friend helping another friend. It was way too late, too much had happened and Christian would never be able to trust him again. That was down to him – no-one else. It was his fault.

He saw the determined look on Christian's face, he'd seen it so often before. He knew that when Christian got that look, there was no point in arguing with him. Realising he was fighting a losing battle and anyway, too weak and tired to care, he let out a deep resigned sigh, turned away, pulled the blanket up over his head and shuffled over to the corner of the room where he slithered down onto the floor and curled up, his face hidden from those eyes that even now could reach the innermost recesses of his soul.

Christian beckoned to Tamwar and they quietly moved out into the narrow dark hall. Putting his hand in his jacket pocket, he pulled out his wallet and handed his ATM card to the young man.

"The number is 0332. Get some food, decent stuff though -we need to get him back on a decent diet. You need to get some toiletries too. Shampoo, soap, deodorant, you know, all that sort of stuff."

"I can't expect you to pay for all that Christian, it's not fair." Tamwar said sincerely, even though he knew it was the only option. The morning after finding Syed, he had called the letting agency to take another month's rental on the bedsit and he'd used the last of his savings.

"Tamwar, no arguments please, just let me do this. If we're going to help him we need to stock up." Tamwar didn't need to be told twice. He nodded and mouthed 'thankyou' as he slipped the card into his jacket pocket.

He headed to the front door and opened it. At that moment, he stopped in his tracks, turned to look at his brother and walked towards him. He bent down in front of him, lifted Syed's head so he could see directly into his eyes and placed his hands on his brother's shoulders. Quietly but with a steady voice he said in Urdu "Yaad Rakhna hai woh Allah tamaam dekhna oor tamaam kareem hai. Allah aap koh mehfooz rakhna hai. Allah aap koh rooz sambhalna. Aap ooz key hidaayat oor taqat kareeb parkhana. Inshallah Syed "_ ("Remember Syed, Allah is the All Merciful and All Seeing. May Allah always keep you safe with him. May he protect you and guide you through. God willing may this happen Syed.")._

The brothers hugged. Tamwar got up, nodded at Christian and left. For the first time in over 6 months, the 2 men were alone together.


	3. Chapter 3: Talking

_Sorry for the delay in part 3. Blame real life and a bit of writer's block!_

**Chapter 3: Talking**

The silence in the room was deafening and you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. Neither man knew quite what to say or do.

Christian knew he couldn't afford to say the wrong thing or aggravate Syed in his current fragile state. This wasn't the time to get in too deep. He needed to just establish contact again, to get talking. The deep stuff can wait for another day. Syed was conflicted. There was no way he wanted to talk to Christian about the last few months but he knew he couldn't quite force himself to get up and leave the room. Something was making him stay.

In the end, it was Christian who broke the ice. " Sy..ed , I need a cup of tea. Will you join me?" Nothing too contentious there he thought.

Keeping his head down but glad that Christian had been first to speak, he replied " Yes please, Christian, thank you."

Taking the opportunity to glance over, Christian smiled briefly realising Syed had said his name for the first time - still with that lilting almost songlike quality he always used to use. He turned to fill the kettle and busied himself looking through cupboards for 2 mugs. "Keep things light" he said to himself.

Syed lifted his head quickly and saw Christian with his back to him. Instinctively his eyes were drawn to that little spot on the back of his neck which he knew so well and which used to drive Christian wild every time he smothered it in kisses. Not being able to help himself, his eyes wandered down his back... still the best damned arse he had ever seen. Suddenly he gave himself a shake " Don't even go there, you idiot. Don't do this to yourself".

Christian walked over with 2 mugs and handed one to Syed when he looked up. "Here you go, if I remember correctly, teabag in first, then the water, just a spot of milk and of course, no sugar because as you loved to remind me, ' I'm sweet enough already'". He smirked and was delighted to see Syed respond accordingly and roll his eyes.

"Well remembered! Do you still take tea with your sugar?"

"Ha, pleased to see you haven't lost your sense of sarcasm. Actually, I've cut down. I only take 3 in a mug now".

"That's still disgusting!." Another shared smirk.

Christian bent down to put his cup on the floor and then lowered himself to be at Syed's height. He didn't want to sit too close to him so he sat at a right angle to him, with his back to the adjacent wall.

They spent a couple of minutes in silence both just sipping their tea and drinking in the situation. They simultaneously remembered the old days when they were content just to be in each others presence – when words weren't necessary.

Christian had a good look at the man sitting near him. It shocked him to see just how miserable he looked at close quarters. Syed had always had good posture with a strong straight back and shoulders but now he was round shouldered and hunched making him seem even smaller than he was. He snatched a glance at Syed's hands wound round the mug of the tea as he took a sip – his long well-defined fingers which used to entwine so well with his own. They were almost skeletal now and his fingernails were far too long and needed a good clean. It was as Syed took a sip of his tea that he noticed a large gash on Syed's thumb

"What happened there, Syed?" as he nodded to the thumb.

"Oh it was nothing." he muttered. "I was trying to open a tin of food with a pair of scissors and hit my thumb instead of the tin. It's ok, I'll live."

"You shouldn't leave these things.. they might get infected and make you unwell " As soon as it was out, he wished it unsaid.

Syed looked up, clearly irritated and spat back a retort "Or maybe I just didn't care whether it got infected or not. Same goes for the rest of me, before you pass any more remarks on my appearance".

Christian inwardly flinched at his stupidity and Syed's angry tone "Sorry, Syed. I didn't mean to pry, it just looks pretty painful, that's all."

They lapsed back into an uncomfortable silence again. When Christian had sipped the last of his tea he stood up dejectedly to take the mug to the sink. Instinctively, he held out his other hand and Syed immediately handed his empty mug to him. Their eyes met – Christian's despondent and Syed's bitter.

" I need to fix this" Christian thought to himself as he walked to the sink. While washing the dishes and desperate to break the atmosphere, he pondered a change of subject. With his back to Syed, he spoke with a false cheeriness.

" It's been ages since I've been here. Must be 3 years anyway. I got off the tube at Covent Garden and it was like I'd been here yesterday. I lived in a flat just round the corner for a while when I first came here. I must go take a look sometime and see if it's still there. It was great, me only 19 with 2 older guys, Mike and Ian. They taught me everything I know. I had a brilliant time" He managed a chuckle as he remembered. " But then mum sent Jane to come and look for me and bring me back. I wouldn't go and Jane and I had a massive row. We didn't speak to each other for nearly a year."

"Good, well you'll know how I feel about you and Tambo being here then won't you" Syed replied sharply

Christian sighed, he'd put his foot in it again. He turned and walked back to where he had been sitting minutes before. But this time he lowered himself directly in front of Syed, letting his knees take his weight. He placed his hands on Syed's shoulders.

"Look at me Syed". No response. "Please, Syed, look at me" Syed jerked his head upwards and glowered. Christian wasn't intimidated and stared back at him, keeping his hands firmly on the other man's shoulders "I am sorry for upsetting you. I promised myself I'd keep things light. I just want us to get used to being in each others company and talking again. It's been a long time. But I just can't seem to say the right thing. I have no idea what you've been through these last 6 months and I'm not deliberately trying to force you to talk about it. I want to know and I want you to tell me but only when and if you feel ready to. Before everything else, Syed, we were friends. I've never stopped being your friend. Can we start again?

He released his grip as he felt Syed physically relax. Their eyes met again but this time, Syed managed a small almost apologetic smile. He was hesitant and his voice was barely audible

"I know, I'm sorry too but can't you see that's why I went away? I didn't deserve your friendship – or your love. I didn't deserve anyone's. I gave you all nothing but grief and pain."

"Yet I'm here and so is Tamwar, so we must think you're worth it" Christian shifted back to his original position against the adjacent wall. "Tell you what, lets not talk about this any more just now. I'm not going anywhere and if you want to talk to me about it later you can."

Syed mouthed his thanks and smiled again. Confused and unable to work out why Christian could be so understanding after everything that happened he just knew he was grateful to him for not forcing the subject.

For the next forty minutes, Christian steered the conversation onto the films he'd seen recently, the latest albums he'd bought and, Syed's particular favourite, the latest episodes of Dr Who. It started off slightly one-sided, he did most of the talking but that was ok. He watched as Syed grinned and rolled his eyes about his taste in music. He laughed as the younger man groaned in response to trying to get him to remember a song by singing it to him– badly out of tune and 'la la ing' most of the words. As the subject got on to Dr Who, Christian noticed Syed uncurling his feet and stretching out. He recognised this from their time together as a sign of him being relaxed and at ease. Syed made Christian describe the programmes in detail and kept butting in to ask questions.

"How the heck can I remember, it was 2 months ago! I'm not blessed with your photographic memory for all things Dr Who" remarked a peeved Christian after one such question

Syed frowned and lightly kicked Christian's leg in mock frustration " Ooh get you. Don't get your knickers in a twist" he sniggered "You were always useless at remembering the important stuff" . He leaned back, put his hands behind his head against the wall and bit his bottom lip to disguise his urge to laugh.

Christain feigned offence for an instant then smirked and sat back against the wall. He was content. They were comfortable with each other. It was a start. A small start but a start nonetheless

Silence.

Again.

Only this time, it was like the old days. This was a content, pleasant silence where no words were necessary.


	4. Chapter 4: Explaining

**Chapter 4. Christian Explains to Tamwar**

2 days later. Nothing much has changed. The atmosphere was easier but Tamwar and Christian were still treading on eggshells around Syed, knowing that he was still fragile and still bottling up so much inside. Syed was in bed, Tamwar and Christian were at the sink in the kitchenette, one washing and one drying the dishes from last night's dinner.

"Can I ask you something, Christian and will you be honest with me?"

"Yes and maybe, Tamwar, depending on the question"

"You _do still _love him, don't you?" It was more of a pleading beg than a question.

Christian put down the teatowel and turned to look at the bedroom door, knowing Syed was in there. He was silent for a few moments as if gathering his thoughts. The last 18 months flashed before his eyes in an instant but each moment of that time was as clearly defined in his memory as if it was yesterday. He had done this so many times, thought about his life in the period since he met Syed, trying to find something in it to justify a reason for not loving or wanting him because it was hurting him too much this way. Hating Syed or even being indifferent to him could mean he could truly move on and begin to live again. Each time he got the same answer. Despite the lies, despite Amira, despite Zainab, despite being rejected, despite not being in contact for 6 months... despite all this and more, he couldn't find a reason for not being in love with him.

"Honestly, Tamwar? Yes I do still love him. I've never stopped and never will. I wish I could – it would make my life so much easier"

"Thanks, I was pretty sure you did. Can I ask another question?"

"Nosey so-and-so, aren't you?" interrupted Christian, his face opening out into a broad grin "Go ahead, but I might choose not to answer"

"Can you tell me about how you got together and how things were?"

"Erm...I don't think so. Some things are best kept private.."

Tamwar jokingly punched Christian in the arm. "Yuk, no I don't mean the sex 'stuff' and all that... I haven't had my brekkie yet! Seriously, I know how he felt – no **-** how he_ feels_ about you. For a long time tho, I didn't and couldn't understand it..in some ways I still don't. I love my brother almost more than life itself and I tried to talk to him but he clams up. If I'm going to really help him, I want to understand it properly. What is the connection you have with each other that has made him do the things he's done?"

Christian wasn't sure he wanted to go into it all again -especially with his ex-lovers younger brother and glanced uncomfortably at the young man " I'm not sure I feel right about telling you, Tamwar".

"Oh, Christian, please? At the moment we are his only friends in the world. Without us being united and working together, he has no-one to care for him. Who knows what he might do. I called you last week because I was certain that you were the only one who could really reach him. I mean REALLY, deep down reach him. I can support him, love him, take care of him but I can't see inside him. I don't know enough about what he's been through. You do. Unless I can latch on to what is going on inside his head and what his heart really wants, I can't save him. He can't tell me that so I need you to do it for him".

Christian smiled. Yet again this man surprised him. So much wisdom and common sense in one so young. So much love for his brother – the ONLY member of his family to support him unconditionally. And Tamwar was right, neither of them could manage this on their own. They needed to be a team and to show Syed that they loved him.

"Ok, ok but I'll leave out the gory details" he smirked. " The first thing to understand about your brother is that, despite what your lovely mother might say, I didn't 'turn' him. I wasn't the first man he had been with – that's important to know Tamwar – he had realised he might be gay long before we met. He told me that he had been with men when he was in Leeds. The second thing to know is that, again despite what Zainab might wish to believe, it was HIM who came on to me not the other way round. For me, he was a guy I worked with. I admit to looking at him and thinking 'phwoar' – who wouldn't, he's bloody beautiful – but that was as far as it went".

"So when did it all start?"

"The night of Bushra's party. We'd pulled it off and I'd saved your mother's reputation by getting Amira to sing instead of her. Bushra was well impressed. Anyway, upshot was, that Bushra was shocked to hear I was gay and both Zainab and Syed treated me appallingly. I went back to the Unit to clear up and was really angry. Syed came back a bit later and we argued. Then, suddenly, out of the blue, he kissed me". Christian took a sharp intake of breath as he relived the moment. "We spent the night together. I said I wouldn't go into details Tamwar, so I'll just say that I've been with straight men before who played at being gay and, well, I could tell your brother wasn't playing".

"And then it started... the denials and ignoring of what was staring him in the face. It became a pattern of our relationship. He would always deny me and always deny that he was gay. But I knew differently. We both tried to stay away but we couldn't. Then after one really great night together, he called us all together – you, your mum and dad, me and proposed to Amira in the pub. That blew my mind – I couldn't bear it. See by this time, I already knew I'd met someone who had changed my life. I'd lived a life of gay bars and one night stands getting my kicks with no responsibility and commitment. Then along comes this man who changes all that, someone who made me WANT to take responsibility, who made me want to commit. And he was denying me in the worst way possible. I fell for him long before he fell for me. Your mother accused me of being a predator – I wasn't. I simply fell in love and couldn't resist the object of my love. Is that so awful?"

Tamwar had listened open-mouthed to this. It wasn't what he had been led to believe at all – not that he'd been told very much. He saw the truth in Christian's pained expression and with the outpouring of the events. "So you'd been together even before he got engaged to Amira?"

"Yes, at least twice and he knew by then that it wasn't just 'thinking' he was gay, he knew it".

"Oh dear lord, and then mum and Amira had all that nonsense with you being the fronke. Jeez, if they'd only known".

"Tell me about it, Tamwar. It tore me to pieces every time I saw Syed and Amira together, playing happy families. But the strange thing is I liked Amira, really liked her."

They'd finished washing the dishes and moved into the living area. Tamwar plonked himself down on the floor, legs crossed in a sort of lotus position. Christian sat in the same spot he'd been in with Syed a few days earlier. He took a gulp from the glass of water he'd brought with him. His throat was already dry as he talked it and relived it all. He realised how good this felt, just letting it all out. Letting someone else know HIS side of the story. He needed to do this.

"Wasn't it when Syed got engaged that you got beaten up? I remember that happening and thinking how bad it was that someone should get beaten up for being gay. I remember Syed defending you when mum said that it might have been because of things homosexuals get up to"

"Ha good old Zainab – open minded as always"

"That's not quite fair, Christian, she was horrified and said it was wrong for you to have beaten up but all she knew about homosexuals was what she'd heard or read about and felt that some people might not be able to accept the things homosexuals do. She was concerned for you."

"OK, sorry, maybe she was still ok then – because she didn't know then that I'd 'turned' her son! Anyway, Syed was great while I was recovering from the beating and it was then that we really got to know each other. He looked after me and supported me. I couldn't have got through it without him. I was ready to commit but he couldn't or more likely wouldn't. I wanted to shout to the rooftops that I loved him but the idea scared him to death. We rowed and I gave him an ultimatum, be with me or be with Amira but not both. He couldn't do it. So that was it. I tried to get on without him and he had Amira. We both tried, we really did. Neither of us could look at each other cos if we did, we'd just crumble. There was too much between us for it to stop though. In the end we both gave in – it was inevitable".

"And all this time he was planning the wedding with Amira?"

"Yes, that's what was most hurtful. I know he loved me, he knew I loved him. He knew that he didn't love Amira – not in the way he should at any rate- but he couldn't take that final step. I don't know what it is about your community Tamwar but he seemed so scared and paranoid about people finding out. All I knew is that we were two people completely and utterly in love with each other but we couldn't be together. He said he couldn't betray his family, his fiancee, his religion. You were always more important to him than I was and if he had to make a choice it was clear which way he'd go. I was never going to win". He couldn't stop the tears that had been welling up from running down his cheeks.

Tamwar got up and walked over to Christian. Kneeling down, he put his arm round Christian and gave him a hug. Things were becoming clear to him, things he'd never been told. Christian was surprised by Tamwar's gesture but couldn't help but smile to himself – he was more like his brother than he ever realised.

"There's a lot more to tell, Tamwar, and now I've started I want to get it all off my chest. You know, I wasn't sure about this when you asked me but I think it's doing me some good"

"I'm glad, Christian. And its doing me good too. I am learning so many things that had been kept from me. It sounds to me like Syed has never really explained about our culture and community to you and why it plays such a big part in our lives. If he had done, you might have understood a little more about his anxieties and why he reacted how he did. That's not an excuse or blaming you but unless you have lived this life, you really can't begin to get to grips with what it means to be a Muslim".

"Yes, I'd like you to tell me about that. He never felt comfortable talking about it. I might not agree with a lot you're going to say but I know its what makes him who he is – the person I love. I need to understand just as you do I guess".

" Well, where do I start I wonder".

At that moment they both heard the creak of the bedroom door. They looked at each other and at the living room door in front of them. They heard the lock on the bathroom door being turned.

"Looks like this'll have to wait for another time" Christian got up and walked to the window to open it and let the fresh air flood in. " But Tamwar, thankyou. I needed to get this all out and really do appreciate you listening. Maybe we can talk a bit more later on if Syed goes back to bed".

"Yes, I'd like that Christian".

Christian took his glass back to the kitchenette and stood at the sink deep in thought. His thought was interrupted when the door opened and Syed shuffled in.


End file.
